Kitchen Basics

I was taught not to apologize for my cooking. I was told that it is disheartening to the guests at the dinner table when someone compliments the cook only to hear her/him say "Well, the roast is a little tough", or "I left the cake in too long". I have come to the point where I figure if people are willing to applaud my efforts, I'm willing to take the compliment. So I generally try not to make a disparaging comment in return. It's not that I don't know the roast is a little tough, or the cake has some rather brown corners. I'm committed to"faking it until I make it".

Sometimes though, I am unable to mask my deficiencies in cooking and baking. I have definitely had my share of cooking disasters. Some of them I've released to the big baking rack in the sky before anyone saw them. Others have been left out to inflict on unsuspecting family members and guests. No use wasting food!

Here are some that I don't mind sharing publicly:

• I was making "Dad's Cookies". The recipe called for coconut and I pulled out the canister and dumped it in before I realized it didn't have coconut in it. It was rice. The problem was that I was making them for company who was coming for tea. I didn't have enough ingredients to make more, so I decided to remain quiet and see if anyone would a) eat the cookies and b) have enough gumption to ask what the secret ingredient was. Let's just say, that rice is not very easy to disguise in a cookie. Kids, don't try this at home.




• The year after we were married, I cooked my first turkey for a Thanksgiving celebration we were going to share with friends. I got out the Betty Crocker cookbook and followed the instructions. It was complete with stuffing. I was feeling pretty please about how organized I was, because I cooked it the night before. It was golden brown and it smelled great. The only problem was that I left it out overnight to cool. It spent over twelve hours on the counter. The gal who was rooming with us had much more experience with this sort of thing. She made the strong suggestion not to serve the bird due to the amount of bacteria which would have gathered overnight. My friend was pregnant at the time and in the interest of not doing anything harmful to her, I decided I had to throw the whole thing out. I went downstairs and got the frozen turkey pies out of the freezer and tried not to cry.



• I was baking "Aunt Ettie's Tea Biscuits". I am very good at this recipe. In fact, I've sort of perfected a version of my own which everyone raves over. In a fit of generosity, I offered one to my piano student. She ate it and said it was very good. After she left, I decided to enjoy my own cooking. That's when I discovered I'd put in baking soda instead of baking powder. I later complimented my student on her polite ways.



• I make homemade Macaroni and Cheese. My husband was used to having Kraft Dinner. Being the analytical person he is, he asked "Why is your Mac and Cheese always white?" I took offense to this (silly I know ) and thought he didn't like the color. So the next time I made it, I decided to put a little red and yellow food coloring in it to make it orange. The only problem was that I was heavy-handed on the red and the Mac and Cheese turned into the most beautiful rosy pink color. When I served it to him, the first words out of his mouth were "Why is the Mac and Cheese pink?"



• I was making muffins. The recipe called for maple syrup to be poured in the muffin cups and then the batter. When they came out of the oven, the muffins were inverted and the maple syrup and cinnamon combined to make it more like a cinnamon roll than a muffin. I had decided to make them to take to a friend of mine who was not well. When they were done, I put them in a nice container, piled the kids in the van, and drove over to her place to deliver them. It wasn't until I was on the way back that I remembered I'd put another batch in the oven before I left which had been there for over an hour. I was obligated to speed home. I was begging God to "Help! Help! Help!". All I could envision was the terrible fire I would see when I drove over the hill towards our home. I am sure that the angels were in my kitchen that day, because when I arrived home, the muffins were complete charcoal at the bottom of the pan, but there was no smoke, and thankfully no fire.



• I've never been particularly good at baking cakes. I've tried but when my husband offered to use them for hockey pucks, I decided to stick to a "just add" cake. (Just add eggs, and water). So for my first son's second birthday, I bought a "just add" cake and baked it. I was ever so pleased with how well the two layers turned out. I took them out of the pans and began icing them. However, I hadn't let them cool well enough and so the icing began to droop and drip all over the cake. It was a big blue gooey mess. Undaunted, I opened up the two bags of bubble gum I had bought for decoration and let my daughter (three years old) put them on the cake where ever she wanted. Then I told everyone that she had decorated the cake.