What Was I Thinking?

A few days ago, my daughter bounced in the the news that she had made it into the top ten of the "Hansen Idol". This singing contest at her high school is fashioned after the "American Idol" and "Canadian Idol". In these contests, those willing to be publicly tortured and humiliated try out for a chance to be the "it" singer. Apparently she'd tried out in other years, and didn't make it. However, this year she had. The deal was that she had to sing in front of the school in the theater and be judged by her peers as well as the teachers who were on the panel.

At her tryout, she sang and accompanied herself on the piano. She was commenting on how much harder that was than just singing. The top ten were to sing at lunch the next day. I looked at my calendar, saw it was free and in a moment of exuberance said that I would be willing to play piano for her if she wanted.

She thought that would be great. So we practiced some. I basically sight read through the piece and tried out the rhythms with some success but really didn't have a great amount of time to go through it five million times like I would have liked due to time constraints.

The next day arrived. I began to question my sanity. What was I thinking??????? I don't like performance Sam-I-Am. [I have finally learned that after 35 years of being a musician.] When doing music in front of people is for the purpose of music therapy, I am confident and not worried about looking like an idiot. On the other hand if I think I am going to be judged for doing something with so much meaning for me, it turns the dial the other way for me and I just get nervous and become a self-fulfilling prophecy of not being able to interpret what's on that page accurately.

So there I was at the high school beginning to roll down the all-to-familiar road of performance anxiety.

Sweat. Churning stomach. A need to run to the bathroom and stay there. Internal conversations beginning with "I think I will call in sick. She'll understand. I am sure that I am going to ruin it for her." I tried my hardest to remain calm. "This is not my deal" was my mantra. Over and over. And then I would think ----- "What was I thinking? These are high school students. That's worse than being judged by my peers." I dearly didn't want my daughter having to walk through the halls the next day trying to explain 'her mother'. [Well, she said she would play for me and I didn't have the heart to say no....what could I do?]

We were introduced. The announcer said "This singer says that her mom is her inspiration [crowd went into immediate 'ahhhhhhhhh'], and her she is WITH HER MOM WHO IS GOING TO PLAY". My daughter did so well. She projected her voice, she lent meaning to the song and in spite of the mike feedback which was so loud, no one else could hear her singing, she continued on and sang to the end like the star performer she is. [no bias of course] The judges complimented her on her voice and her stamina in the face of a huge distraction. I managed to make it through by playing the most basic of accompaniment. I weren't no Billy Joel, let me tell ya!

I was so proud of my daughter...but sure glad when I was allowed to exit stage left. I checked my fingers. Yep. Shaking like a leaf. Two things stood out though. The fact that she took me up on my offer - she did not look embarrassed to appear before a live studio audience with her mom. And how kind it was of her to publicly honor her mom like that by saying that her mom was her inspiration.

PS - No she didn't make it into the top four. Their loss. I love the story of Fred Astaire who kept the first audition ticket he was given up on his mantle. It said "Can't sing. Can't dance. Can act a little". It is always a reminder that people who sit in judgement of us are not the final authority.